With much sadness I have had to see many cases in which parents manipulate the situations related to their children based on their anger, frustration, disappointment or sadness towards their current or ex-partner. Parents, blinded by these feelings from their wounded egos, make decisions and do things that emotionally harm their children forever. They don’t understand that the last thing that children want to witness is that those two beings who once loved each other and from which they were born, now are transformed into enemies.

These are 9 ways to know if this is happening in your case or the case of someone you know.

1. Is there a custody dispute WITHOUT there being compelling reasons such as the certainty of verbal or physical abuse of the parties, risk of physical damage at the place where one of the parents lives, drugs or alcoholism in any of the parent’s homes, unhealthiness in the place where either party lives, etc.
2. Have certain events occurring been exaggerated or dramatized just to make the other parent look bad in front of his or her children, family members, and/or friends? 
3. Are parents talking badly or criticizing each other to the children?
4. Do they discuss in front of the children?
5. Are children asked to give their opinions and take a position regarding which parent is right or wrong?
6. Is everything that is happening with the couple, not related directly to the kids, been communicated to the children?
7. Are any of the parents making it difficult for the other parent to visit the kids?
8. Are the agreements about children’s routines and schedules not being fulfilled on purpose just to bother the other parent?
9. Have children been exposed to a new parent’s partner prematurely just for disturbing the ex-spouse or making him or her jealous?

We could continue to list ways where it can be detected when children are used by the parents to take revenge on the current or former spouse. Sometimes, parents are conscious of what they are doing, but they can’t help it, other times, they act by unconscious responses because of a very deep pain not revealed to the surface. In either case, parents need to be aware that this moment of pain eventually will pass and in most cases, adults are able to move on with their lives. On the other hand, children don’t have the same psychological resources as adults might have to overcome certain difficult situations. For kids, not only seeing the people they love the most treating each other as enemies is detrimental for their emotional balance; but also it is the fact that most of these disputes between parents bring them lack of structure, chaos, fear and anxiety.

There is only one question that I would recommend to either separated, divorced or parents with marital problems should ask themselves before acting or making any decision where the kids can be involved:

What I am doing or Is what I want to do is beneficial for my kids or not? 

Please, be honest enough with yourself to recognize when there is an explicit or hidden intention to annoy or harm your current or former partner.